Fighting Darkness
by xXChiasaHimuraXx
Summary: Because some battles even your closest nakama can't help you fight. Rated for depression and other dark themes. Gray: February Song. Post Ch. 340


**A/N: **Gah, I feel horrible. Both for doing this to Gray and for this being the first thing I've posted in months. But let's face it: If this were to happen to anyone, it would happen to Gray.

And, yes, this will eventually have more chapters centered around other characters, though the others probably won't be quite so dark.

Disclaimer: Not mine - though I do have one wicked theory about what's going to happen next in the manga... Don't own the song to which this chapter owes its title, either: February Song belongs to Josh Groban.

**WARNING:** All chapters may contain content that may be triggering for some, including depression and other dark themes included therein.

* * *

"_And I never want to let you down  
__Forgive me if I slip away  
__Sometimes it's hard to find the ground  
_'_Cause I keep on falling as I try to get away  
__From this crazy world…  
_

"_Where has that old friend gone  
__Lost in a February song…"_

* * *

___February Song_

No one really noticed when he started drinking more than normal. His increasing consumption of alcoholic beverages gradually increased such that no one thought much of it – especially since it really wasn't all that unusual to find him drinking in the guild anyway. Every once in a great while he would drink until he was drunk, but that wasn't really that unusual either, so if he seemed to get drunk a little more often, everyone wrote it off as Kana's influence starting to rub off on him.

No one noticed anything different, that anything had changed within him, until, out of the corner of her eye, Erza saw him light up a cigarette from where he sat apart from them at the bar.

"Strange," she muttered to herself, a frown suddenly creasing her brow. Her one word attracted the attentions of the other two previously bickering mages at the table.

"What's strange, Erza?" Kana asked, tilting her head to the side.

"Huh?" She turned back to the two. "Oh… Nothing! Nothing at all…"

It was Natsu's turn to frown. "You're lying."

After a tense moment of silence, Erza sighed. "Have either of you noticed anything strange about Gray lately?"

"Hmm…" Kana thought for a moment. "He has seemed a little distant…"

Natsu nodded, arms folded across his chest, a frown now present on his own face. "I asked him about taking a job with the team yesterday… He didn't really seem like he wanted to… Do you know something we don't, Erza?"

She shook her head. "It's just… Well, look for yourselves."

Kana and Natsu turned their gazes to the Ice Mage at the bar. Kana raised an eyebrow. "Now that's something I haven't seen in quite a while… I thought he quit smoking."

"Come to think of it," Natsu added, "I haven't seen him light up since… Right after Lucy joined." The Dragon Slayer shook his head. "He just kind of… stopped after the four of us formed a team."

Erza nodded. "It makes me wonder why he would start again."

"Maybe we should talk to him," Kana muttered, putting down her barrel of booze.

"I disagree," Erza shook her head sadly. "At least, not all of us, all at the same time. He would feel cornered, get defensive, and never talk to any of us."

"That's just Gray's way," Natsu responded with a nod. "When something is wrong, he always tries to beat it on his own first, so it's not likely he'll talk to us even one-on-one..."

"We'll talk to him – all of us," Erza stated. "We'll just have to be a little bit subtle about it, that's all…"

* * *

"Yo, Gray!" Natsu greeted as he plopped down on the barstool next his friend and rival.

"If you're looking for a fight," Gray responded, raising his third beer of the hour to his lips, "go find Gajeel."

Natsu frowned. "That's not why I came over here…"

"Oh?" Gray glanced at the Fire Mage out of the corner of his eye.

"I came to ask you about yesterday…"

"Yesterday?"

"Yeah. Yesterday – when you turned down going on a job with the team."

"What about it?" Gray took another swig.

"It's not like you."

Gray almost choked. "What's wrong with not wanting to go for once?"

"I just told you: It's not like you to turn down a job."

"Like you really know me," he scoffed.

"Ya know, maybe I don't. And if that's the case, the only person to blame for it is yourself." Natsu stood back up. "At any rate, I do know this: If there is something wrong, you can always talk to me – or," he added with a grin, "fight me. Whichever you need more. I'll be here."

"Nothing's wrong with me, Flame Brain," Gray muttered. "Just mind your own business…"

"Whatever you say, Ice Princess," Natsu returned as he walked towards Lucy who had just entered the guild. "Yo, Lucy! I think I have the perfect job for us!"

"Oh, great," Lucy moaned. "Just don't go destroying things so we can actually get paid for once!"

"Hai, hai, hai!" Natsu laughed. "Let's go!"

"Sure you don't want to go to run damage control?"

Gray glanced up at the sweet voice that addressed him. "Humph. That's more energy than I possess, Mira… Just get me another beer."

The barmaid's smile faltered. "Don't you think you've had enough, Gray? You're starting to look like Kana…"

Running a hand through his disheveled hair, his only response was to repeat his order.

With a disheartened sigh, Mira gave it to him.

* * *

Every day passed the same. When Mira arrived to open up the guild doors, Gray was already there waiting for her. He would follow her in, help her get everything ready for the day, and when it came time to close up, he was still there, every night, to help her close up as well. Every day, from morning until night, one could find the Ice Mage in one of a few places, though typically he would be at the bar or siting at a table in the back. He was always there. Every day.

Mira was concerned, although she was always grateful for the help.

Erza was suspicious. She found it strange that he wasn't interested in taking any requests.

Natsu was miffed. It wasn't like he couldn't start a fight with someone else, but it wasn't the same when Gray just sat in his own little world instead of joining in.

And Gray knew it. He knew they were all worried, but he couldn't just keep going, pretending like nothing had happened. Just the thought of doing such a thing made him angry – it wasn't fair to her.

"Gray."

He slowly looked up when he heard his name. He really wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone, but he also knew that to avoid her was futile. She would sit down across from him anyway, and if he still refused to talk to her, she would follow him home that night. If that was ineffective, she would probably spike his drink with something so he would be forced to say something. He sighed as he half way met her gaze. No way out of this one…

"May I sit down?"

"Would you go away if I said no?"

"No."

"Then why did you bother to ask?"

Kana huffed as she plopped down across from the Ice Mage. "Well, _excuse me _for actually trying to be polite for once!"

He almost smiled.

After a moment of awkward silence, Kana finally spoke again. "Seriously, though, Gray… What's up with you lately?"

"Don't know what you mean…"

She scoffed loudly. "Don't give me that Bull. All you do is sit around the guild all day, alone. You don't take any jobs – heck, you don't even rise to Natsu's threats anymore." She stared at him good and hard for a moment. "You won't meet anyone's eyes when they talk to you either."

"So what?"

She rose from her chair so quickly that it clattered loudly to the floor. "'So what?'? _'So what?'? That's all you have to say about this?" _ Kana was fuming; Gray was sorry about his choice of words. After righting her chair, she plopped back down with a disheartened sigh, head resting on one hand. "I don't know what happened, Gray, but you need to _snap out of it!"_

It was Gray's turn to be angry now. "It's not that simple," he spat, hands clenched on the table top, eyes finally coming out from under the shadow of his bangs. "_You have no idea what I've been through!"_

Kana raised her head, eyes blazing, to meet his gaze. "You're right. I don't. Because you won't tell anyone. You want us to stop worrying about your sudden personality change? Then give us a reason to stop, and tell us what happened in Crocus a couple weeks ago!"

Gray stood suddenly, his chair clattering to the floor. The entire guild was watching now, but he didn't even notice. "You want to know so badly, Kana?" he spoke, voice low and seething. "Fine then. I'll tell you, all right. Once again, I should have died. And, once again, someone I loved stepped in and took that away. She couldn't have known, I know, but that doesn't change the fact that she's _dead, _Kana – or, at least, she will be soon." He was vaguely aware of something warm and wet making its way down his face, but that fact was overshadowed by his sudden inability to breathe as her face made its way into his mind. He couldn't take it anymore; he took a few steps backwards until his back hit the wall before he slid down until he was sitting on the floor. "She's gone, and no matter how you look at it, it's my fault she died… _It's my fault they died!"_

No one could do anything but silently stare as his head dropped down into his arms and silent sobs wracked his body. No one knew quite what to do – no one had ever seen him break down so completely before.

And those images – everything that had happened that shouldn't have– took over his mind once again. He was completely helpless to stop it.

_Why did it have to come to this again?_

_Why couldn't he get _her _out of his head?_

* * *

"Thought I might find you out here…"

Gray didn't turn around. Why couldn't they all just leave him alone?

"Everyone's more worried than ever now, you know," Erza spoke gently as she sat down beside him. "After that… Well, no one really knew what to make of it."

He didn't reply. What was there to say?

"Gray?"

He sighed, a breeze blowing off the river ruffling his hair. Great; she wanted him to say something. What was he supposed to say? Kana had pushed too far, and he had snapped. That was all there was to it. "What do you expect me to say?"

He could feel her frowning at him. "I don't want to hear what I might expect. I just want some kind of genuine response. You've been so distant ever since we got back."

"There's nothing else to say."

"I think there is."

"Then you are mistaken. Because there's really nothing else."

She sighed heavily. "I know you're hurting, Gray, and that's okay. But I do have to agree with Kana: You need to stop living in the past. You can't change what happened to Ultear…"

Gray visibly cringed. "It's not that simple…"

"Gray, she gave your life back. Don't waste it."

"_Urusai!"_ he whispered. "Just because I'm alive doesn't mean I have the right to live!"

"Nani?" Erza whispered in shock. "What do you mean by that? Of course you have the right to live! Ultear and Ur and your own parents _gave_ you that right!"

He stood up angrily. "What would you know?" he spat. "You don't understand!"

She stood up too. "How could I when you never talk to anyone about your feelings? You keep them bottled up inside until you burst! It's not healthy."

"Tch." He turned and stormed off. He could hear her calling after him but chose to ignore her. This was his pain, his burden. No one else could bare it for him. He wouldn't let them even try.

He refused to be the reason for anyone else's death.

* * *

The next day, he wasn't there. When Gray didn't stand up and greet her, Mira was instantly worried and hopeful at the same time. Worried because he had been there every morning for the past week and a half; hopeful because maybe this meant things would be going back to normal.

But he didn't come at all that day.

Given what had happened the last time any of them had seen him, tension was running high among the members by the third day of his absence. Had he permanently left the guild without telling anyone because of what had happened? Or was he just staying away? No one could guess.

Natsu stood up; he, for one, had had enough. "I'm gonna find that Pervy Popsicle and knock some sense into him…"

"I'm not sure that'll do it this time, Natsu," Lucy murmured.

He ignored her as he turned to leave the guild hall.

"Do you even know where he lives?" she inquired softly to his retreating back.

"Of course I do," he responded. "But even if I didn't, my nose wouldn't have a problem finding it."

She had to admit that was true. As his back retreated out the door, she sent up a silent prayer that Natsu would have some effect on Gray.

Natsu wasn't sure what he was going to do yet. But he did know he couldn't just sit back and let this go. As he turned the corner onto Gray's street, he formed a loose theory. When Gray saw him on his front step, he would probably be angry. They would fight, both with words and with fists. When it was over, everything would be okay again.

At least, he _hoped_ it would be okay again.

Taking a deep breath, he knocked on the door. He waited, but no one came. He knocked again, and again the apartment remained silent. Natsu frowned. Was he not home? Because this was _definitely _Gray's apartment. On a whim, he tried turning the door knob. Much to his surprise, it was unlocked. His stomach sank; Gray _never _left his door unlocked…

He stepped through the now-open door and announced his presence. Still no one came. He checked the first floor living room and kitchen – nothing. He ascended the stairs to the second floor bedroom – he knew Gray would kill him if he ever found out, but at the moment Natsu really didn't care. Just as with the first level, the room was neat and tidy. And no one was there.

It didn't feel right to the Dragon Slayer – it didn't _smell _right either. Gray's sent was the only one present still, but it had changed somehow. He didn't like it one bit; it made him feel uneasy.

His eyes lingered on the desk in one corner; the only thing sitting seemingly out of place was a small stack of envelopes in the center. He moved to the desk, intent on snooping since the Ice Mage wasn't there to stop him. But when he picked them up, the names on the envelopes only served to make him even more uneasy.

It was as if the Ice Mage had known someone would come by looking for him eventually. He hadn't intended to mail them as was evidenced by the fact that the only thing on each envelope was the person's first name. His unease was growing deeper by the second.

_Jii-san… Erza… Lucy… Kana… Wendy… Gildarts… Loke… Lyon…_

There it was: The one with his name on it. He tore it open more quickly than he had ever opened anything in his life.

_Natsu, _he read, _What do I even say to you, Flame Brain? You're so dense; I can't imagine you even taking the time to read this, much less comprehending anything I could write. Let's just say, this is goodbye. You won't be seeing me again. My time in Fairy Tail is coming to a close. Nice knowin' ya, but it's time I go home. Permanently._

_If you're the one to find these, make sure everyone gets theirs._

Natsu was nothing short of furious. If he was leaving, _why hadn't he said anything to anyone?_ Snatching up the remaining letters, he dashed down the stairs, out the door, and back to the guild as quickly as he could. Maybe the other letters would help shed some light on the situation.

Everyone looked up as he burst through the doors. Good; he had their attention. "He's gone," Natsu called loud enough for everyone to hear him. "He left us all these." He held up the envelopes. "I don't know what's in them, but I hope he told _someone _more than he told me because I still don't know where he is or what happened." Quickly, he spread them out on a nearby table as everyone moved in to look for one with his or her name on it.

Master Makarov was the first to claim his. Eyes narrowed, he opened it. As he read, they quickly grew wider and filled with dread.

Lucy started to cry.

Kana went pale.

Wendy looked confused.

All around him, the guild members were falling to pieces.

Erza slammed her hand into the table. "We have to find him!"

Makarov sighed. "I wish it was that simple, but where did he even go?"

"Home." Everyone turned to stare at Natsu. "What? That's what he put in my letter. He said it was time to go home."

"You don't get it do you?" Kana asked flatly. "His message isn't quite that simple, Natsu. He's going home, yes, but he's going home _to be with his parents."_

Natsu's eyes grew wide. "You can't be serious!"

"Every letter suggests just that, I'm afraid," Loke spoke. "He fully intends to end it all."

"Although," Makarov mused, "his suggestion that Gray went home might not be far off the mark. He may have meant it both ways."

"Then let's go!" Erza commanded.

"Hmph. It's still not that simple, I'm afraid. We'll be too late – we may already be too late. He's been gone for three days; that's enough time to reach Isvan and…" Makarov gestured vaguely as he trailed off.

"Then," Lucy whispered, "there's nothing we can do?"

"I refuse to just let this happen," Erza hissed, grabbing the nearest piece of paper and a pen.

"What do you intend to do, Erza?" Makarov asked.

"The only thing I can do."

* * *

It wasn't unusual to receive word from her. She had a smart bird, after all, and he allowed it to find him. So when the messenger hawk soared in above him and landed soon after on top of their make-shift tent, it wasn't surprising in the least.

In fact, it always made him smile. He had made it clear that it would never work since he was a fugitive and she was a respected S-Class mage, but that didn't mean he didn't enjoy hearing from her.

He quickly detached the message and opened it. Unfortunately, the contents made him cringe – this wasn't the typical letter she sent him periodically. Normally, it wasn't quite so urgent.

He glanced up as the brush rustled as someone fought through it to return to the camp. He stood as she finally made it into the clearing. "Phew! Who knew –."

He quickly interrupted her. "Meredy, we have a problem."

She looked up at him, taking in his serious expression. Instantly she knew it had nothing to do with a Dark Guild. "Jellal? Did something happen?"

"You could say that… Let's just say it's a good thing we're in the Northern Country already."

* * *

He had it all planned out – it really hadn't been that difficult. He'd said goodbye to everyone at the guild along with a few other people that meant a lot to him. Then he had jumped on the first train towards home. Now that he was back, the rest was simple.

As he knelt by the simple marker, he let out a soft sigh. "I'm sorry, Ur," he whispered. While he knew she wasn't dead, this place still let him feel the closest to her. He had made this marker before he had left on his journey to the West. This had been her special place – a place she had never shown to anyone except for him. Even though she had told him her reasons for doing so, he still wondered why she had let him see this place. He'd thought it an appropriate place for a memorial: A secluded cliff edge high in the mountains with the most breath-taking view he'd ever seen in his life. He sighed again. "I know you wanted to seal my darkness – and, really, you did – but I just can't do this anymore. Ya know, I almost think it would have better if you hadn't come after me that day – or, better yet, had never found me in the first place. It would have saved a lot of people from a lot of pain…" He stood up, staring out over the valleys for one final time. "It's time I go home. In all honesty, I can't wait to see my parents again. And your daughter… I wonder if she's met them already?" He smiled softly. "Thank you for giving me more chances than I deserved, Sensei. And I wish I could have spoken with you again, face-to-face, before my end… If only just to say that I'm sorry…"

* * *

It was late evening of the following day before Gray reached his final destination. He hadn't returned to the place of his birth since that fateful day when Ur and Lyon had found him barely alive. The city had never been rebuilt out of respect for the lives that had been lost, and a make-shift cemetery had been erected by those who had survived. At the edge of the ruins a fence ran around an area of simple markers bearing family names on each one. He pushed open the old gate, treading softly over the frozen ground as he made his way to the one that would bear his family's name. It wasn't difficult to find even though they all looked the same; he brushed the snow and ice from the surface until the name was fully visible.

His hand resting gently against the stone, he sighed, head bowed. "It's been a long time, Mama… Papa… But now I'm coming home. I'll see you soon, okay?" He smiled softly. "Ya know, I never thought I'd be so happy to die, but I honestly can't wait to see you again…" He let his fingers trail down the marker before he stood to his feet and took a step back.

"Ice Make: Dagger," he spoke quietly as his magic swirled in his hands before hardening into the weapon. He took a deep breath, raising the icy blade in front of him, pressing the point to his chest right below his heart, ripping his shirt open.

His life played out before his eyes then. Everything he could remember. The few memories of his parents he had retained, Deliora, Ur… and then there was Fairy Tail – growing up, making friends, taking jobs… Galuna Island, Phantom Lord and Juvia, Tenroujima, the Grand Magic Games… the Eclipse Gate, the Dragons… _Ultear…_

_It'll be over soon… All the pain will melt away now…_

"GRAY!"

His thoughts were shattered when a familiar voice called out his name. He turned his head in the direction it had sounded from, eyes growing wide. _What in the world was _he _doing here?!_

The blue haired man stopped a few yards away, clearly out of breath. "Please," he panted. "Just wait for a moment…"

Gray didn't know what to do – he was too shocked to do much of anything. Why was he here? Was it just a coincidence? Somehow he didn't think that was it… Then… someone had found his letters? … And they had sent Jellal? He clenched his teeth. That didn't make a difference; it wouldn't have made a difference if the entire guild had found a way to get here in time. He was going to go through with it.

No matter what.

He closed his eyes, pressing the blade against his skin hard enough to draw blood.

"Gray, please. Just wait a minute."

"Why should I?" he countered, his hands starting to shake. Why did someone have to come along to interfere? He just wanted this to be over. He just wanted the next people he saw to be his parents and Ultear.

"Erza told me what happened." So that was why he was here. "She told me that you're hurting – but you're not the only one, Gray." Jellal took a pleading step forward, his foot crunching in the snow.

"Don't come near me!" he all but shouted, pressing the blade harder into his chest.

Even though he knew Gray wouldn't see it, he held up his hands imploringly. "Okay, I won't. I'll stay right here. Just hear me out, okay?" When Gray didn't respond, he continued. "You can't give up on life, Gray. I know it hurts. I'm hurting, too. So is Meredy. But Ultear wouldn't have wanted this. If she could talk to us now, I know she would tell us that we shouldn't hurt for her sake – that she's atoned for her sins, and she's finally happy. I know that doesn't make it better – I know that doesn't make it hurt any less, but… I know she wanted to save us all in that moment when she used Last Ages, Gray.

"She didn't sacrifice herself to save us only to have us turn around and throw our lives away."

"Shut up! You don't know anything!"

"Gray…"

"She wouldn't have even had sins to atone for if her mother hadn't found me! Don't you get it? _It's my fault! Every time, it's been my fault!_

"If I hadn't been so stupid, my parents might have survived instead of giving their lives to protect me from Deliora! If I had just run when they told me to, we all might have gotten out of there alive! Even if they hadn't, someone from here would have taken me in instead of Ur! If Ur hadn't taken me in, Ultear would have been happy and wouldn't have felt replaced when she ran back home! She never would have joined with Hades in the first place! Everyone would have been better off without me!"

"But you're missing something extremely important here, Gray."

Gray looked up angrily, tears streaming down his face. "Don't tell me to stop brooding because I can't change the past! I already –!"

"That's not it, Gray," Jellal interrupted softly. "I wasn't going to say that at all."

Gray was shocked, the ice blade falling away slightly from his exposed skin. "Nani?" he whispered.

"While that is true, I know it wouldn't help at all. I know because, I too, live every day with the mistakes of my past. I can't change anything, but accepting that realization doesn't make it hurt any less. What I meant, Gray, is that you're missing all the _good _you've done. It's been a rough road for you, I know. But despite everything that's happened, you've kept going. You've kept doing _good _despite how much evil you've seen and experienced. It would have been all-too easy for you to give in, but you kept fighting.

"Honestly, I can't blame you for what you want to do. It would be so much easier to give in to the hurt you've kept inside. Life hasn't been kind to you; it's never been easy. Just once you want something to be easy. Am I on the right track?"

Gray fell to his knees, the blade clattering to the ground before vanishing.

Jellal slowly approached. "Unfortunately, nothing is ever easy – even the seemingly easy way out." He knelt down beside the Ice Mage, placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "You've been given a wonderful gift – over and over again, the gift of life. You have people who care – an entire guild full of them! They haven't given up on you, Gray – even though they thought it might be too late already, Erza still wrote to me, hoping I could get here in time. They know; they understand how much you're hurting. They don't blame you either. But they do want you to come back home."

"I'm not sure I can face them after this," Gray whispered. "I'm such a coward – running away like that…"

Jellal smiled softly. "No one thinks that. In fact, I think quite the opposite. It takes a lot of courage to put on a brave face every day when you're in pain." He paused for a moment. "If there is one thing I've learned in the past few years, though, it's this: There is always someone who cares too much to let you fall away. You never have to go through anything alone; there is always someone who wants to help – if you'll let them."

Gray knew exactly what he was talking about. First had been Mira: The first day he had been waiting for her to open the guild, she had asked him if everything was all right. A few days after that had been Natsu. Gray hadn't risen to his insults, and the Dragon Slayer had actually asked if there was something wrong. Then, just a few days ago, Kana and Erza. And, from the worried looks he always received, most of the guild had known something was wrong. But he had pushed them all away…

"You're right," he whispered. "Why didn't I see it before?"

"You probably did… But it's not easy to confide in people – not even the closest of friends, sometimes." A moment of silence passed before Jellal broke into it. "So, does this mean you'll come back to Magnolia with me?"

"With you?" He looked up, slightly surprised. "Isn't that dangerous?"

Jellal shrugged. "Maybe so. But do you really want to face your guild alone? You know everyone's first response isn't exactly going to be pleasant. I won't if you don't want me to but…"

A small smile worked its way onto his lips. "It'll be easier for me to face them _with_ someone rather than alone."

"Shall we then?"

"Yeah. Let's go home."

_Mom… Dad… I'm sorry. I guess our reunion is going to have to wait after all._


End file.
